Emil: I’m glad that’s settled. Cripes, maybe this evolution is getting out of hand. First, we’re supposed to be descended from the monkeys, now you got people who want to say the chimps are equals. Next thing you know, we’re going to be their slaves or something. I might vote for that Christian anti-evolution Huckabee guy after all, ’cause come to think of it, I don’t remember once in the Bible that Jesus sent a monkey a Fathers Day card.

Little Jimmy Iodine: I’ll bet that Austrian judge in that case thought about the Pinocchio when he made his ruling about the chimp. Sure, you want to be a real boy and yeah, you can smoke a cigar, roller skate and wear a hat, but you can’t be a real person unless you talk to a cricket and get swallowed by a whale, ain’a?

Ray: All I know about monkeys is what I see at the zoo and I tell you, no real person can jerk-off with the frequency and intensity like those monkeys do, with the exception of the occasional white, eighth-grade suburban male.

Little Jimmy Iodine: Hey. Artie! Over here. Put a load on your keister.

Art: Hey gents. What do you hear, what do you know.

Ernie: That game last Sunday, Artie. We’re all depressed. We feel like we got ass-banged by New York, and not in a good way.

Emil: We could’ve won that game, Artie. Coach McCarthy’s biggest blunder was in the second half when he should’ve sent Favre to the showers and put in Bart Starr.

Herbie: You talk like a sausage. They couldn’t let Starr play. He’s been retired for thirty-fockingfive years, you fockstick.

Emil: Listen knobshine, they made Bart Starr an honorary captain specifically for that game. Honorary captain. Why the hell would they do that if they didn’t think they could put him in the game if they had to? You can’t expect to win a goddamn football game if your captain’s not on the playing field. That would be like The Three Stooges going to a pie fight and telling Moe to stay home.

Julius: Focking-A. Bart Starr’s a quarterback who knows how to win in cold weather. And those nancy players who thought they were so tough ’cause they came to play with no sleeves and bare-armed. You want to be tough? Come out and play with no helmet on, you candyasses.

Art: Jeez louise, you guys. Pull yourself together. When the glum gloom of despair suddenly descends ’cause your team blew the big one, the only way you can help yourself is by taking it absolutely personal and to remember what Socrates once said: “The unexamined life is not worth living.”

Little Jimmy: That works for you, Artie?

Art: You betcha. And so I examine myself, and I ask myself: Hey, so the Green & Gold stunk up the joint? Big focking deal. I’ve stunk up plenty my share of joints, you better believe it. So the Packers are losers at home? Again, big focking deal. I’ve been a loser at home anyplace I’ve hung my hat called home. So the other guys scored more often in the red zone? Yeah, tell me about it.

Ernie: Sounds to me that Socrates only got it half-right, Artie. He should’ve said: “The unexamined life is not worth living, but hey, the examined live could just as easy turn out to be crap-through-a-goose-ina-bowl, to boot.”

Art: Now you’re catching on. Wear your disappointment like a badge, and lead through example. I will never ever get over the utter disappointment that I will never ever get to meet Marilyn focking Monroe. But listen guys, how many times do I have to tell you that “Life is a crap casserole and all you can do is strap on the old’ feedbag and say ‘GO PACKERS.” Are you with me? And if that’s not enough, let me ask you this: What does a stolen car and the Minnesota Vikings have in common?

Ray: Beats me, Artie.

Art: (It’s getting late and I know you got to go, but thanks for letting us bend you ear ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.)