I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I would’ve whipped out an essay for you’s this week except I’ve been called away on a mission. And that mission is to “go find the key.” I have not a focking clue as to where this key may be nor what this key may unlock. My guess is that this key may finally be the one that unlocks the door to global peace, prosperity and brotherhood for one and all. Since I’m no locksmith, I figure it’s got to be easier to find such a key than make one, so what the fock.

But before I begin my quest, a quick word just so you know that The Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office Especially the Presidency is still full force. I’ve personally lent the campaign another buck two-eighty, and although experts have yet to suggest that I drop out, I intend to continue.

And once elected, I will sign a peace treaty so as to end the War on Drugs. All drugs will be legal. This will give all gangbanging drug fiends a legitimate reason to flush all their handguns down the toilet for keeps. I will let the people have their drugs right over the counter at the Walgreens at a tiny mark-up over cost, but I will slap a Dr. Feelgood tax on the drugs for the government. Bye-bye budget deficit. Condos for everybody.

I will then take this extra drug dough and turn our public schools into Taj Mahals of mental excellence. But let us not forget this about education: Some people are just plain stupid, period. No matter what the fock you try to lecture into their heads, they will just never ever be able to recall those symbols from the periodic table of elements; recall the particulars on that Treaty of Ghent; reconnoiter the tunes of Anton Brockner on the family living-room spinet.

However; maybe that some people are going to be just plain stupid is not altogether the worst thing in the world, ’cause somebody’s got to shovel manure; somebody’s got to stand charge of the games-of-skill at the carnival midway; somebody’s got to be in government; somebody’s got to work at advertising agencies that specialize in “branding”; ain’a?

You know, about our various and sundry civilizations that stretch way back in the time of history to when people organized themselves into groups to the point where all of a sudden now you had your big shots and your bums, there has always been your permanent class of the very poor (the low class), but people today somehow focking forget that there has also always been a class of the permanent very-stupid (the no-class). The “permanent very-stupid” is no new phenomenon, I kid you not.

Your low class and your no-class are not one and the same, no sir.

Now, a lot of people say they’re high class and that might not be just a lie, but a lot of those who say they’re high-classed can be pretty focking stupid at the same time. Sure, ignorance likes to shine around poverty but it’s abso-focking-lutely no stranger to the other side of the tracks, either. In fact, lots of rich knobs are not only ignorant, they’re downright focking stupid to boot. (Just check out some of the clowns who buy themselves into the U.S. Senate for proof of this pudding.) And let’s not forget that in the olden days, many liege lords were focking stupid as well.

The crappy thing about being stupid is it can sometimes be a deterrent to a Nobel Prize and/or lots of dough (and forget about “contestant on ‘Jeopardy’’ as a resume-stuffer), not to mention that being stupid, according to pundits, makes one a sucker for TV political bullshit advertising. Smart people don’t watch TV ’cause they’re too busy talking about reading a book and being organic in their environment.

Yet, stupidity can get in the way of a lot of things but it has never ever been any kind of impediment to being able to operate a fireweapon on anything in the form of a person. “Impediment,” hell, it’s a focking invitation.

I believe there is one thing that can be done to combat this rampant stupidness submerging us all around, and that is for smart people of all colors, creeds, class and various affiliations to simply have more focking kids so as to raise our species IQ curve. Yeah yeah, go ahead, call me a “smartest,” big focking deal. I feel firmly planted that smart people need to get together on a one-one-one basis and do their parts together for the sake of a big-time brighter future.

And I submit the notion that if we had a Homo sapien species of way-smarter members, we could all save a lot of dough in taxes for education ’cause smarter people wouldn’t have to spend so much time in school since they were already smart to begin with, ain’a?

So as your president, I’d declare a War on Stupidness. I’ll even put my mouth where my money ought to be, and step to the fore as the first to enlist. And as commander-in-chief, I believe the only way to lead is through focking example. And this war needs volunteers: If you are smart, if you are female, if you look like Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth, Bettie Paige, Lena Horne, and if you believe that we need a smarter (and better-looking, what the fock) human race, I’m looking for you’s ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.